Boulevard of Broken Dreams

As I turned 23 last week, I've been trying to look back to the things that have happened in my life, to the people whom I have been with and to the experiences that I have dealt with. Within these 23 years of my existence, so many things have happened. The good and bad, happy and sad, inspiring and frustrating, uplifting and discouraging and many other things have given me different experiences that made me the person that I am today.

The 22^nd year of my life had been, so far, the year of big frustrations and discouragement. It wasn’t the best year for me. To tell you honestly, I feel like it was the worst year of my life. There were so many things that I wanted to do but had not done, wanted to have but didn’t have, wished to have but not meant to get but encountered some  things that I wish didn’t happen. It was a year full of hopes and dreams at the beginning, but crushed with failures and disappointments at the end. It was not because I didn’t do anything or just waited for things to happen. Actually, that’s what makes me feel worse. I tried and did in the best way that I could the things that I think would help me pursue my dreams. But sometimes, things aren’t bound to take place the way that I want it to be and there’s nothing else that I could do but to accept the fact that things won’t work that way. Maybe, that’s just for now. They say, maybe this isn’t the right time yet and I just have to wait.

No matter how hard I try to stay optimistic at all times, there are really those moments when I can’t help but get totally frustrated with my life. Have you ever had this feeling when you feel like you’re stuck with your life and have no progress at all? That’s how I feel. I’m a person with big ambitions and goals but I can’t even do anything to be able to start chasing those things. From the start, I already knew what I wanted. I started working for it. But no matter how big the dream is and strong the will maybe, sometimes things don’t just conspire. Time flies so fast and sometimes it just doesn’t feel right to accomplish nothing or just keep on waiting. Sometimes, I feel like, perhaps it’s a sign that I should change track with my life because such things are not bound to happen. Perhaps, I need to start changing my direction and chase another dream. It’s really confusing at some times. It’s like wanting to paint an image but not being able to make it. As you keep on painting, the image gets vague because the colors do not blend well and you just don’t get the output that you pictured and imagined. Will you start painting another one or just bravely try to play with the colors and see what comes out?

I’ve changed a lot. Sometimes I feel like, instead of becoming better, I became bad. There are moments when I feel so frustrated and mad and if it’s only possible to go somewhere else and leave things behind, I would. Sometimes, I lose all the hopes and energy. I tend to miss the younger me, the one full of hopes and ambitions and filled with positivity and happy spirit. I miss the goal-oriented, hopeful, and persevering person that I was before. Today, I feel like a frustrated, lost, and dispirited soul.And I hate it. I really hate being like this.

Many are the times when I really miss the old place where I’d been and the people whom I had been with. I think that my environment and the people who I deal with now have affected me so much. I just can’t help but compare things and I really miss and love my old life. But then, I have to accept the fact that things constantly change and there’s no use of dwelling in the past. Nothing will happen if I just keep on wishing and thinking about if only and what ifs. Things happen and people come into my life for specific reasons and I just need to find out and gather the positive lessons from them. The thing that I do, the same thing which I need to avoid, is that I dwell too much on the negativity around me and this weaken my being.

As another year of my life starts, I really hope to make things well. I don’t want to be like this for a longer time. I don’t want to feel like this forever. It’s starting to ruin me and I don’t want to get to the point when I’ve totally changed the person that I was before. I need to grow. I need to change for the better. I don’t know how to do it just yet. The frustration and confusion are still ringing in my head. I don’t have a plan for now but I think I should start by removing the bad habits that I have acquired and avoiding the things that have negatively influenced me. Together with that, I need to start picking myself up and put back the hopefulness, positivity and most importantly, patience in me. This isn’t an easy thing to do but I really need to conquer this darkness that has started to creep inside of me and bring out the light of hopes and dreams, of visions and positive thinking.  I know God will help me get through this.

Life is like a road. Sometimes, it’s smooth and fine. Sometimes, it can get rough or rocky. Sometimes, you’ll encounter humps or hurdles, crossroads or U-turns or even dead ends. But no matter what kind of road you’ll get into, it’s still a journey and you always have the choice what path you’re going to take. You can stop or go back. You can change direction or you can just continue moving forward. The decision is all yours.

SHATTERED GLASS

This has been a very terrible day for me and the “most” terrible day for someone else! There has never been a day like this in my life ever! Right now, I feel so heavy, guilty and scared for a trust broken, a friendship ruined and a feeling devastated and wounded

I wish this heaviness that I am feeling right now would instantly disappear and this headache that is creeping in my head is just a result of another hard day’s work. But no, the reality is that an unforeseen conflict has happened and I do not know if things will ever be the same again.

Today, I hurt the feelings of a friend; a friend whom I would least and actually never want to hurt. I told her the truth and I’ve prepared myself for the worst scenario and consequences. But I never did expect that I would feel this heavy seeing her get hurt and shed tears. That’s the worst part ever, seeing her cry! It was truly heartbreaking and I felt like I was doomed to feel all the guilt and burdens that came along with the situation.

I lied. My intention of not telling her the truth at the very beginning was to protect her feelings. I definitely knew then that she’ll really get offended with that “trashy and lousy talk" about her. Yet too bad for me, who could be awarded for being the worst actor ever, she felt that something isn’t right and I’m hiding something from her. A lie is still a lie. And I know that it’s really a wrong thing to do! But at that moment, that is what I had thought to do. I was such a lame thinker that time! And I’ll definitely regret that! 

Would you rather lie in the idea of protecting someone’s feelings or just tell her something that is wounding straightforwardly? If I were you, what would you choose to do?

In the end, I still told her the truth and just like what I've been expecting right from the start, she really got mad! That is even an understatement I think! Imagine the feeling of seeing someone whose soul was broken and that look in the eye telling that I-did-nothing-wrong-with-you-why-have-you-done-this-to-me?

I hope that this shall pass. And I truly hope that it won’t be for a very long time. I rarely find people who are to be treasured as real friends and she is definitely one of them. To tell you honestly, breaking her trust and hurting her feelings would be the least thing that I’d ever do. I don’t really want to ruin my relationships with any of my “friends” because there are only a few of them. Most importantly, I would not want to lose any of them. Unfortunately, something unexpected happened and things have been said and done. The damage has been done and there is nothing else that I can do but to wait for her healing and forgiveness.

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MISS AND LEARN

February 5, 2013, it was a Tuesday and everything seemed to be going on just fine. It really was until we got a call from our pathologist. I think I will never forget this happening ever! This was the first time that our pathologist got mad and scolded us. I don’t want to elaborate the details but the main point is negligence and fault on our part. Lucky enough, it was not a matter of life and death of a patient. I mean it wasn’t like we had the wrong blood typing or cross matching and the patient was transfused with the wrong blood or something. Thank God, it wasn’t something like that! But of course, as someone who is working in the medical field, everything that we do really matters and the laboratory results that we release are very crucial with regards to the diagnosis and treatment of our patients’ diseases.

As much as I want to save myself from humiliation, I can’t do anything but accept the fact that we did something wrong. Whether I was the one involved in the incident or not, I am still responsible for everything that’s happening inside the laboratory. I am the licensed one and my name is at stake in everything that we do. 

When I was talking to our pathologist, I was really embarrassed and if I could only melt down or disappear right at that moment, I would have done it! It was a good thing that it was just over the phone because if I was talking to her in person, I don’t really know what else to do. I was really speechless and I can’t even think of enough words to respond to what she was saying back then. I’m just very thankful that our pathologist is kind enough and she talked in the most professional and nicest possible way.But have you ever felt being so shameful of yourself and you could not even say a word to save yourself? Do you know the feeling that you wanted to say sorry but it even seemed inappropriate or not enough to say it right at that situation? But most of all have you ever felt being so outraged deep inside and you wanted to blame others for putting you in a situation where you were caught unaware of?

Well, there is no point in doing the blaming and pointing out. It will not solve the problem anyway. The damage has been done and you’ve got nothing to do but to deal with it. One thing I learned in this situation is that you really have to pay attention and give utmost care in your work as a healthcare professional. Be more vigilant! Be more careful! Be very careful! You see, we are saving the lives of our patients. And there should be no room for errors. Moreover, we should work as a team. Everything that we do can affect the others. Thus, if you commit something wrong, you are not only putting yourself into shame but the others as well.

When I was still in college, our professors used to reiterate the importance of sticking to the rules and always doing the proper protocol. But the reality can be very different sometimes. Sometimes we really have the tendency to be negligent and commit mistakes. Nonetheless, it’s the way that we handle and solve things that will matter more. Accept your mistake, be humble and sorry, and do something to correct your mistake.

Well, I have learned my lesson and I do hope not to do the same mistake again.