As I turned 23 last week, I've been trying to look back to the things
that have happened in my life, to the people whom I have been with and to the
experiences that I have dealt with. Within these 23 years of my existence, so
many things have happened. The good and bad, happy and sad, inspiring and
frustrating, uplifting and discouraging and many other things have given me
different experiences that made me the person that I am today.
The 22nd year of my life had been, so far, the
year of big frustrations and discouragement. It wasn’t the best year for me. To
tell you honestly, I feel like it was the worst year of my life. There were so
many things that I wanted to do but had not done, wanted to have but didn’t
have, wished to have but not meant to get but encountered some things that I wish didn’t happen. It
was a year full of hopes and dreams at the beginning, but crushed with failures
and disappointments at the end. It was not because I didn’t do anything or just
waited for things to happen. Actually, that’s what makes me feel worse. I tried
and did in the best way that I could the things that I think would help me
pursue my dreams. But sometimes, things aren’t bound to take place the way that
I want it to be and there’s nothing else that I could do but to accept the fact
that things won’t work that way. Maybe, that’s just for now. They say, maybe
this isn’t the right time yet and I just have to wait.
No matter how hard I try to stay optimistic at all times,
there are really those moments when I can’t help but get totally frustrated
with my life. Have you ever had this feeling when you feel like you’re stuck
with your life and have no progress at all? That’s how I feel. I’m a person
with big ambitions and goals but I can’t even do anything to be able to start
chasing those things. From the start, I already knew what I wanted. I started
working for it. But no matter how big the dream is and strong the will maybe,
sometimes things don’t just conspire. Time flies so fast and sometimes it just
doesn’t feel right to accomplish nothing or just keep on waiting. Sometimes, I
feel like, perhaps it’s a sign that I should change track with my life because
such things are not bound to happen. Perhaps, I need to start changing my
direction and chase another dream. It’s really confusing at some times. It’s
like wanting to paint an image but not being able to make it. As you keep on
painting, the image gets vague because the colors do not blend well and you
just don’t get the output that you pictured and imagined. Will you start
painting another one or just bravely try to play with the colors and see what
comes out?
I’ve changed a lot. Sometimes I feel
like, instead of becoming better, I became bad. There are moments when I feel
so frustrated and mad and if it’s only possible to go somewhere else and leave
things behind, I would. Sometimes, I lose all the hopes and energy. I tend to miss
the younger me, the one full of hopes and ambitions and filled with positivity
and happy spirit. I miss the goal-oriented, hopeful, and persevering person
that I was before. Today, I feel like a frustrated, lost, and dispirited soul.And
I hate it. I really hate being like this.
Many are the times when I really miss the old place where
I’d been and the people whom I had been with. I think that my environment and
the people who I deal with now have affected me so much. I just can’t help but
compare things and I really miss and love my old life. But then, I have to
accept the fact that things constantly change and there’s no use of dwelling in
the past. Nothing will happen if I just keep on wishing and thinking about if
only and what ifs. Things happen and people come into my life for specific reasons
and I just need to find out and gather the positive lessons from them. The thing
that I do, the same thing which I need to avoid, is that I dwell too much on
the negativity around me and this weaken my being.
As another year of my life starts, I really hope to make
things well. I don’t want to be like this for a longer time. I don’t want to
feel like this forever. It’s starting to ruin me and I don’t want to get to the
point when I’ve totally changed the person that I was before. I need to grow. I
need to change for the better. I don’t know how to do it just yet. The
frustration and confusion are still ringing in my head. I don’t have a plan for
now but I think I should start by removing the bad habits that I have acquired
and avoiding the things that have negatively influenced me. Together with that,
I need to start picking myself up and put back the hopefulness, positivity and
most importantly, patience in me. This isn’t an easy thing to do but I really
need to conquer this darkness that has started to creep inside of me and bring
out the light of hopes and dreams, of visions and positive thinking. I know God will help me get through this.
Life is like a road. Sometimes, it’s smooth and fine.
Sometimes, it can get rough or rocky. Sometimes, you’ll encounter humps or
hurdles, crossroads or U-turns or even dead ends. But no matter what kind of
road you’ll get into, it’s still a journey and you always have the choice what
path you’re going to take. You can stop or go back. You can change direction or
you can just continue moving forward. The decision is all yours.
